| capricorn |
[Dec. 22nd, 2009|03:02 am] |
Frustration is not one of my favorite feelings. Various needs and shortcomings manifest themselves in white-hot vitriolic tremors of destroying my room in a frenzy. It's not often, but sometimes I just sit here clenching my fists at random, and the only thing that can pacify me is the fantasy of being locked in physical combat with someone.
The holidays aren't really depressing. In fact, I like them a whole lot. Too often, however, it is marked by broken walls and my fists bleeding, or screaming into my pillow because of the lack of affection. I believe I spent last Christmas safely alone, drunk, basically incapacitated. Perhaps the rationale is if I can't have intimacy, then outright hostility can soothe my raw nerves.
I don't exhibit it, but communication with my family is often marked by shouting violently with no visible effect on their emotional psyche. NO amount of telling them to shut up ever accomplishes intimidation.
My sister is going through the thirteen-year old thing. I don't perceive the situation to be much of an issue, but my mother expects me to play damage control. How do I feel about this? I don't fucking know. It's kind of shitty for me to ignore the family's needs, but I don't know, I just really don't like them. I worry about the people, but it's so hard for me to show I care about them.
What am I trying to say, anyways? It's not like I have much of a grasp over reality these days. |
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| mars retrograde |
[Dec. 21st, 2009|03:05 am] |
"Caught in a bad romance,"
That one reminds me of Reku and Res. I think I've been hung up on those two for way too long. Kind of like Dougie, y'know what I mean? I don't know what to say about me when it comes to relationships, but I personally am pretty confident in my abilities to accompany a person. Can other people handle me? Who fucking knows, but I know what I want when I see it.
To be quite honest, I would have to admit wholly that the poems I have posted this year have all to some extent described the former. As far as Res goes, I didn't have much to write about being that admittedly, I had nothing to be inspired by. It's really the difference between being inspired to write a landmark world-changing piece of music or shoveling out that ill-awaited fifth album.
Funny, however, that a majority of my poetry is spent talking about people in code. Initially, I began to write as a means of openly voicing my love/hate for someone or something without openly discussing it. My poetry is all insecurity, as if I knew one day that I could look back upon the word jumbles and describe to someone, "oh, this is the part where I took this dork out on a date and they fell asleep when I was really expecting to get laid or make out." I'm a pretty simple guy to get along with, but I experience things that way.
Subtle? I've met wrecking balls more subtle than me. Part of me is graduating from the nice guy school of hard knocks. It's not that I love to cause drama, but I thrive among it. I'm an entertainer, not a diplomat. I love the attention, I love to give that back. I don't think anyone understands that better than myself, or anyone who's been blessed enough to have to deal with me.
But y'know what, I don't judge. I'm a terribly easy fox, loyal to the clingy, bitter end.
2010, I hope, provides at least a more entertaining set of events. I conquer in love this year.
"I want your love, I want your revenge, I don't want to be friends." |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 18th, 2009|04:20 am] |
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I don't know what is coming up, but I'm ready. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 13th, 2009|03:58 am] |
I'm hurting right now. Hurting because I want to get my life started. It's a pretty sensitive time, but I think I'll be able to get it accomplished this next year. I'm trying to bridge the reality of the situation that it is my time to be self-reliant with my shortcomings and fears. That being said, I am happy with myself, but not my situation, it's time to get that taken care of.
The failures I have experienced this year are not permanent. As much as I hate to admit, I have done a pretty poor job of prioritizing the things in my life which would set into motion anything resembling responsibility. I have probably not looked for a job in weeks. As it stands, I've been nursing emotional wounds I inflicted on myself in an attempt to seem as if I have been more responsible. I'm sorry for lying, mostly to myself, but it's time for me to move on. Love itself cannot carry the weight of my burden.
I'm kind of out of words to say about myself. Damn it. |
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| karma is a bitch |
[Dec. 12th, 2009|02:22 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
I wish someone would take me out on a date, hold me, just keep me away from reality for some marginal amount of time.
Also, a meme, so I don't further bum myself out:
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